


Top of the Charts

by neveralarch



Category: The Transformers (Cartoon Generation One)
Genre: 80s Music, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:06:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: Starscream and Soundwave work on their playlist.(Originally written as a tiny TF Con zine!)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	Top of the Charts

**Author's Note:**

> One of the many great gifts of the G1 Cartoon is that Soundwave and Starscream work together (!) to make an evil hypnotic nightclub (!!) in Autobop. This deserves celebration.
> 
> This is the lightly edited/expanded version of a zine I gave away and/or traded at TF Con DC. Thanks to choomchoom for being so enthusiastic about zines and encouraging me to make my own! Links in the text lead to youtube videos for the respective songs.

They had the building. They had the lights. They had the disgusting Human intoxicants that smelled like fermented vegetable and fruit matter. Now all they needed was music, and Dancitron would be complete.

Unfortunately, this was where Starscream and Soundwave hit a roadblock. Ridiculous grounder phrase. There wasn’t any such thing as an airblock. Yet another example of inherent seeker superiority.

Starscream comforted himself with these thoughts as Soundwave played yet another song that he claimed human ‘youths’ thought was ‘rad.’

Starscream disagreed. Strongly.

“What’s wrong with a good old magna march?” he asked, at an entirely reasonable volume. There was no need for Soundwave to make such a production of wincing and dialing down his audials. “I’d even take shock pop over this.”

“Humans unable to comprehend Cybertronian rhythm,” said Soundwave. “Further, humans begin leaking vital fluids when Cybertronian popular musicians reach top of vocal range.”

“It’s good for them.” Starscream waved a hand at the dancefloor, where soon their hypnotized Human lackies would gambol to their squishy, meaty sparks’ content. “They need culture.”

“No,” intoned Soundwave. “Cybertronian culture deadly.”

Starscream folded his arms and sat down. There was only one chair in the nightclub control room, but that served Soundwave right. Let him stand, if he was so concerned with fleshling fragility.

“Your input not required for music selection,” said Soundwave. “My expertise adequate for the task."

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Starscream. “No one who listens to Rumble and Frenzy’s so-called music all day can claim to have adequate taste in music. I’m surprised you even have functioning audials.”

Soundwave sighed (very disrespectful, Starscream noted it down in his permanent file), but cued up the next song on the club’s sound system.

A cheerful metal clashing noise filled the air. Starscream perked up. “I like that. What is it?”

“Cymbals,” said Soundwave. “Earth percussion instrument.”

“I know it’s an Earth instrument, everything’s an Earth thing on this backwards planet. They haven’t even made contact with the neighboring planets, let alone a proper galactic trade consortium.” Starscream tapped his foot to the clashing. “Still. This is more like it.”

As if to mock him, the song chose that moment to inflict a dreadful wailing noise. Like someone crying out in agony. 

“No!” Starscream made a slashing gesture. “We are not playing this!”

Soundwave made no move to stop the music. Starscream growled and made another mental note of insubordination. 

“This song,” said Soundwave, barely audible over the _yodelling_ , “most popular Human dance hit of the year.”

“As opposed to what, the most popular Elephant song?” Starscream clapped his hands over his audial inputs. “This is terrible.”

The lyrics were barely discernible through the singer’s laughable lack of grammar. _[Won’t you come see about me? I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdqoNKCCt7A)_ Didn’t the Humans even know how their own language worked? No wonder Soundwave was so enamoured of it.

“We don’t want them to dance alone!” objected Starscream. “We want them to lure their friends into my clever trap.”

“Our trap,” corrected Soundwave, but he finally moved on to another song, which meant that Starscream won. 

This one also began with a satisfyingly jangly beat, although the ‘simballs’ had been replaced with something even better. Starscream recognized the beautiful mathematical perfection of synthesizers—he hadn’t realized the Humans were so advanced. He even liked the singer’s voice. There was no nonsensical yodelling this time, only a straightforward demand to know the listener’s name.

“Why isn’t _this_ the most popular song?” Starscream asked. “Do the Humans have no taste?”

Soundwave shrugged. Starscream tapped his foot and beamed to himself, imagining the inevitable success of _his_ plan. They would hypnotize thousands of unsuspecting meatbags, and force them to construct a skyscraper right under the Autobots’ oblivious noses. And then Megatron would do… whatever Megatron was going to do with the skyscraper, and then probably Megatron and Optimus Prime would kill each other in a climactic battle, and then Starscream would rule the universe! He couldn’t wait. He had the perfect crown for the occasion, and he couldn’t wear it while Megatron was still alive. The jealous fool would only crush it out of spite.

The song became a little repetitive in the chorus, but Starscream didn’t mind. It would probably help disguise the hypnotic tones underlying the otherwise innocuous dance music. _[You spin me right round baby, right round, like a record baby…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpmTe3TDdVU)_

“What else?” asked Starscream. “We can’t play one song all night. Even the Humans would get bored.”

Soundwave thought for a long moment, then programmed a new song into Dancitron’s speakers. “This song is new,” he said, as the first notes filled the empty club. “Unreleased. Starscream will like it.”

Starscream did. It had lovely high-pitched synthesizers, and a singer with a deep sonorous voice, and no yodelling at all. It even had lyrics that boded well for this new cooperative project. 

_[Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) _

“I think this is the start of something wonderful, Soundwave.” Starscream stood up so he could put a friendly hand on Soundwave’s shoulder. “Me, leading us to unending success. You, following me. The Humans, dancing like they are both physically and psychically incapable of stopping. Truly glorious.”

Soundwave didn’t say anything, just stared at Starscream’s hand until Starscream relented and removed it. But Starscream knew that Soundwave agreed.

Starscream couldn’t wait to see himself in a crown.

**Author's Note:**

> You can share this fic on [DW](https://neveralarch.dreamwidth.org/104640.html), [Tumblr](https://neveralarch.tumblr.com/post/189620073894/top-of-the-charts-neveralarch-the-transformers), or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/neveralarch/status/1204958680548085760)!
> 
> Art by the amazing @ThatBmouse:  
> 


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